Here Without You english
by JeanyAlicia
Summary: Sequel to "Just For Tonight" Dean spends two weeks at Braeden's but leaves then so they don't have to deal with his upcoming death. But they have to fight their way through 10 months of 'normality' without Dean. Metamorphosis. "Deathfic"


A/N: This is my **second** **sequel to **_**A Beautiful Lie**_, following the events of _**Just For Tonight!**_ There's still at least one sequel that I have to write before I can consider myself happy with this story arc.

A/N: For the first time I'm gonna **split up a sequel** because I'm pretty sure ober 10.000 words would scare you all away but if I give them to you in smaller chunks you should all be able to handle this perfectly. And to be honest: I just didn't have the time to translate it all ^^ But I'm working on my, I promise!! So that means that this is only _**part one of three!**_

A/N: My beta-girl, of course, is my lovely best friend LamiaJade! I have no clue why but she loves my so-called 'Lisa Braeden Chronicles' so I made it her job to beta it 'cause one way or another she's the first one to read it^^

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of this story, aside from the creativity I put into! The boys and used timeline are property of Eric Kripke and the CW. I don't get paid - and I still think I should get. Have fun reading. Reviews are higly appreciated.

**KM.**

**Here Without You**

My head was leaning against his shoulder as we were sitting on the floor in the dark corridor right next to my son's room.  
"Thanks." I whispered. _He didn't blow my covers._  
"Shht." Now his head was lightly resting against mine as well.  
We were sitting there like teenagers, afraid, mom and dad would be able to overhear us. Only that, in our case, it was our son who shouldn't be aware of what was secretly developing between his parents. Because in our case everything didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. We were young and incautious, only had a single weekend with each other. Dean was gone before I even noticed that there was a new life growing inside of me. And then I didn't have the heart to tell him about it. I've just been a weekend fling for him. A few weeks ago, when Dean was at my door again completely unexpectedly, I couldn't hide Ben's existence any longer. But I neglected to mention that he was his son.  
Well, it wasn't easy to hide that. They both had so many similarities although they've never been together for a single day. Their clothing style, their taste in music, even their way of thinking. I call it the Winchester-gene.  
Of course, by now he's informed about it, but he wasn't really surprised. How could he be? He'd guessed it long ago.

I slightly nestled into Dean. It was nice to be near him. Ever since Ben was born I thought we needed nothing else but ourselves, but when I was sitting next to Dean, looking into his eyes, I became aware of what I was searching for in all these years: The father of my son.

"Dean?" I was still whispering. Surely, Ben wasn't asleep yet.  
"Yeah?"  
"Was it hard?" I had been eavesdropping while he was putting Ben to bed.  
"Very hard."  
I nodded and stood up slowly. Dean did the same and followed me downstairs into the living room. A smile played about my lips, only because it was nice.  
The here and now felt right. _It always should have been like this..._  
The future was being very different. Dean had about nine months before he died and although I didn't want to let him go, I knew that it wasn't in my power to change the fact he had to. Instead it was important to me that Dean could spend some lovely days with his son and his brother. I wasn't the center of attention.

Dean was looking out the window that showed my garden, just staring into space. I wasn't sure if I had a reason to be concerned. After all I didn't know him well enough yet. But if this was another similarity Ben had with his father, I could assume that Dean needed some time for himself and would come when he needed company or a shoulder to lean on.  
In the meantime I went upstairs again and opened a closet. I took out a pillow and a blanket for Dean. We agreed on him sleeping on the sofa. Or rather: Dean insisted on it and I knew he was right.

10pm. At this time it was normally silent at Braeden's. As soon as Ben was sleeping, I had free time but in fact I've never known what to do with all that time.  
I came back downstairs. Dean was still standing in front of the window but when he heard my footsteps, he turned around and looked at me. I laid blanket and pillow down on the sofa, then I approached Dean slowly. He sighed and averted his gaze, out the window. I followed his gaze into space.  
"It's complicated, Lisa. I gain a son and lose a bother..."  
"What?!"  
"Sam is not happy with me being here instead of searching for a way so I don't have to die."_  
Oh Sammy, I sympathize with you..._  
I hung my head, thought it was my fault that Dean was here. I didn't know he was going to die!  
Dean looked at me and sighed. Then he ran his hand up and down my back.  
"Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that Sam-"  
"If I wouldn't have called you, it wouldn't have turned out like this!" I cut Dean off.  
His grip around my shoulder grew firmer.  
"Stop it! It wouldn't have made a difference, Lisa! Sam knows that there's no way out!"  
The anger inside of me made me tremble. I had to clench my teeth so I couldn't start screaming. Tears were welling up, running down my cheeks and just now, in this moment, Dean loosened his grip around my shoulder. I took the oportunity, tore myself away from him, turned around and disappeared in my bedroom before Dean could stop me. I was okay with letting him feel how angry I was. I had a reason to be. I was keeping him from saving his life. It was my fault!

I locked the door, leaned against it and let myself slide down on it until I was sitting on the floor. Then I pulled my legs in and hugged my knees. Uncontrollably I gave vent to my feelings._  
Your fault, Lisa. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault!_  
I felt the need to scream but I didn't want to wake Ben. He would just been worried enough to knock on my door. Then probably he would have damned and blamed him for his mom being like that. As much as he thought about Dean as a hero, he'd also realized that this was the man who made his mommy cry. Ben was old enough to understand what was going on. He understood that Dean was his father and that he was going to die. He comprehended that time was transitory.  
Two hours later – around midnight – I had calmed down and got up. I unlocked and opened the door. It was dark in the corridor, everything completely silent. Ben was sleeping and Dean either dozed off or disappeared. Option two made more sense to me.  
I stepped out into the corridor and chanced a look to the stairs. The first floor was just as dark as where I was standing and lurking. _Dean is gone..._ Slowly I went downstairs and entered the living room. _Dean is gone..._ There was no trace of him. The room was abnormally cold and I wondered if I was just feeling the void inside of me, the coldness that covered my heart. But then I saw the door to the garden wasn't closed. I glanced around quickly. Nothing was missing, not even my purse which was lying on the commode. Thieves would have taken the money or any other object of value but everything has been silent and there was nothing missing from my inventory. Cautiously I sneaked over to the garden door. The icy wind was already blowing in my face so that I wrapped my arms around my body. I opened the door and lurked outside. My eyes were already used to the darkness but I still needed some more seconds to spot the dark figure. The more I fixed my gaze on it, the better I started to recognize the person. And the closer I got to him, the safer I felt. I knew there was no danger ahead.  
It was Dean.  
I recognized his bowlegs, his muscular arms and even his body height fit. It was definitely Dean. Then I saw that he was neither wearing a jacket nor a chemise, but only a thin T-shirt. Moreover he was standing barefoot on the grass just staring into the sky. It looked like he was standing here like this for at least half an hour. I approached him even more. He didn't hear me. At least he didn't react. _Maybe he fell asleep on his feet...like a horse..._ I fantasized while searching answers for his nightly stroll. Now I was standing right behind him. I hesitated for a moment but then I just wrapped my arms around his chest. I counted on some kind of defense reaction – after all Dean was a hunter – but he didn't react at all. For a long time he continued staring into the sky until he eventually pulled me into his arms just so that he could rub over my back. His hands were astoundingly warm on my skin although he has been standing outside in the cold for so long.  
I savored the warmth that emanated from him. I was literally freezing to death out here but it seemed like these extremely low temperatures didn't bother Dean at all. There was a dead silence, there was neither a dog barking nor a car driving on the streets. There wasn't even the sound of crickets chirping their serenade. And in the middle of this perfect silence, I was standing barfoot in my garden, next to the father of my son, asking myself what in the world we were doing out here. However I was not going to ask Dean about it. If he wanted to talk, I knew he would come by himself. He was a withdrawn person, I already got that, and it seemed to take a lot of time and trust to make Dean break the silence. So I could count myself very lucky that he started to share his thoughts about his coming death and our son. Still it gnawed at my coscience that I was taking away his brother from him.

"Sometimes when I can't sleep at night because anything's bugging me... I go out for a walk. For hours. Until I've got answers to my problems - or at least until I'm _so _tired that I can't keep myself upright anymore. But today... I knew you would lose confidence in me if I would just go away. This time, running away from my problems was not the answer. That's why I went to the garden. I'm here and somehow I still got out of it, you know?" Dean told me almost whispering, looking into the starry sky.  
I nodded, not able to say anything.  
"Who knows how long I'll still be able to see the moon. My days are numbered and I know I can't use them the way I'd like to. I can't experience everything the world has left for me to see in just a couple of months. But I wanna try. I wanna fulfill just one of my desires. And what I became aware of today, is, that Ben's a part of it." Dean ran his fingers through my hair, started playing with one of my strands. "And so are you, Lisa. I want to be there for you. I want Ben to finally have a father. Give me that chance as long as I'm having the time for it. Please, Lisa."  
Tears were silently running down my cheeks.  
Dean was still playing with the strands of my hair. When his hand slid over my shoulder and down my arm, he averted his gaze from the sky once and for all to look at me in worry."You're cold. Let's go inside before you get a pneumonia." he said und pulled me gently back to the house. _Who was standing barefoot in the garden?! Me or him?_  
We were barely through the door, when Dean grabbed the blanket I anranged for him earlier and threw it around my shoulders. I let myself sink onto the sofa, wrapped my arms around my knees, blanket tightly around my body. Then I lay my head on my knees and closed my eyes. It was past 1am and yet I didn't get a wink of sleep all night.  
Dean let himself sink into the cushions next to me and out of snugness I leaned my head against his shoulder. Blunderingly I fell a sleep just a few seconds later.

I woke up totally relaxed and as refreshed as I haven't felt in weeks. In Dean's arms, everything was... Dean?! _Wasn't he right here when I fell asleep?_ Of course he wasn't there anymore. What did I expect? We said "Just for tonight." so why did I expect for him to be here when I woke up? Just now I heard the soft music and I was sure I knew the song. Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Freebird". Slowly I peeled myself out of the blanket and blinked. A few moments later I could make out my son who was sitting on the dining table, biting into a delicious looking sandwich. Then I heard that euphonious voice from behind the kitchenette.  
"Ben, hurry up! It's late!"  
Dean. It was Dean!_ He's still here..._  
"Yeah, Dad!" Ben grumbled. He was still too tired for so much hectic. He didn't seem to have a hard time acknowledging Dean as his father and to also call him 'Dad'.  
Now Dean came out of the kitchen, putting a dish towel aside and shaking Ben's shoulders.  
"C'mon, hurry! Otherwise I'm gonna have to drive you to school."  
I pretended to be asleep and observed them for another moment through almost closed eyes. Ben grinned. Dean didn't miss that beat. He sighed.  
"Was that your plan all along?" Ben nodded and stuffed the rest of his sandwich into his mouth. Then he grabbed his book bag. In the meantime Dean went to the coat rack to bring Ben his jacket.  
"You got your lunch bag?" Dean asked before they left the house.  
"Of course, Dad!" Ben answered, playing pissed.  
Dean smiled and tousled his son's hair.  
"Wait a second." With these words he turned away from Ben and came to me. I immediately closed my eyes and tried to breathe as even as humanly possible so Dean would think I was asleep. Only seconds later I felt the touch of his hand on my hair, then he gave me a kiss on my forehead. I heard the barely audible huff Dean let out, when he was smiling. After that the sound of his footsteps died away and the door clicked shut.  
I crawled off the sofa and seriously doubted that any of what I've just witnessed really had happened. Dean in oven gloves and apron may have been a highlight but thiswas just _the_ perfect father, making sure his loved son arrived at school safely and moreover had something to eat before leaving the house. I didn't know much about Dean's family but I doubted that he was used to this warmth he now presented to his son. His mother died early and his father surely cared for the wellbeing of his sons but a mother's love must have been missing there nonetheless. So how did Dean know how to tread a little boy?

I went to the dining table and spotted fresh gems. _God, did you even sleep, Dean?_ Without giving it another thought I made myself comfortable on the table and had breakfast. Only then it was that I smelled the brewn coffee. _And I thought everything Dean knew was Coffee-to-go... but at lot of that!  
_

Fifteen minutes later, while I was still clearing the table, I heard the clicking sound of the door latch. Suspiciously I went towards the front door but I was barely three steps out of my kitchen when Dean appeared around the corner.  
"Good morning, Lisa. Sorry, I borrowed your keys. Did you have breakfast already?"  
I had to laugh. In general Dean was terribly grumpy in the morning but today he was in such a good mood that he was rambling happily. Or he already had his share of coffee. The version with the cooffe seemed more plausible to me.  
"Yeah, I've just finished eating." Then I grabbed some things from the table to put them into the dishwasher. As I was turning away from Dean, I used the opportunity to ask him a question that floated around in my head since I woke up.  
"Tell me, Dean, have you slept at all?"  
I took some extra time to put the dishes away so I didn't have to look Dean in the eye.  
Some time passed, before he answered.  
"No. Instead I made coffee and called Sam." he explained.  
This made me prick my ears. "Sam? What did he say?"  
Dean shrugged. "He apologized that he got so excessively upset. Nevertheless he's not happy with me spending time with my son and his mother instead of making sure to have a lifetime to spend with you."  
I nodded silently. Sam was right but it was Dean's decision nonetheless. It were his last months and in my opinion he was allowed to spend them the way he wanted to."He sends his regards." Dean added.  
"Sam? To me?" I asked surprisedly. I assumed that Sam didn't like me much because I was partly responsible for this situation  
"Yes. He does like you and Ben, it's just that... he's jealous. For years there's never been anyone else but us. He and I - and my car." Dean laughed. "Well, and now I'm here and he's alone. That's the only thing I don't like about it. That I can't watch over my brother. Since he's been a baby I've always taken care of him. Dad went hunting, I stayed at home with Sam. I made sure he'd get something to eat, that he went to bed early... Sam's gotten used to his big brother always being somewhere around to help."  
"That's why you have a way with Ben..." I noticed absent-minded.  
Dean frowned.  
"Well... I already was awake and noticed how you took care of Ben." I admitted.  
"I see." Dean remained silent for a moment. Then he shrugged. "Seems like I kind of had a son in Sammy already. And he grew up alright!" Dean laughed. The expression 'grow up' was to be understood ambiguous. He referred to Sam's height because with 6'4" he was a lot taller than Dean himself.  
Suddenly Dean fell back into silence, letting his head hang down deeply between his shoulder blades. I was instantly worried. "What is it, Dean?"  
He shrugged. "Nothing. It's just... that I probably won't witness Ben growing up."  
I winced as an incredibly intense pain ran through my body. A few seconds of deep breaths were necessary to make the heartache bearable but I was sure it wouldn't fade anymore. I felt like being suffocated, like I was drowning in an ocean of hopeless situations. I didn't have the right words to make it more comfortable for Dean. Just as little did I know how to manage life with Ben once Dean ultimately wasn't coming back anymore. On the other hand I became more and more aware of the fact that I couldn't push these thoughts aside any longer. His time's running out and so I was absolutely sure he had the same inexorable thoughts in mind as I had.

Two hours later, as Ben was already at school, I ran across Dean who was in Ben's room. I leaned against the door frame and watched him. He was standing in front of a shelf stacked up with almost 50 of Ben's CD's. Amazed he looked at every single CD, smiled here and there. For an 8 years-old Ben had a large variety of music yet. Moreover there was solely music of times Ben hadn't witnessed himself. He wasn't even planned back then. Music out of times in which I probably wasn't born either. At first I wondered where Ben had that taste in music from, that was highly untypical for a child his age but some day everything made sense and I saw Dean through the eyes of my son although Ben didn't even know about him. Back in that time I wouldn't have spent a single thought in notifying Dean to Ben being his son but then, out of nowhere I was standing right in front of my door and took the choice away from me.

"Unbelievable, this similarity. Isn't it?" I asked into the silence.  
Dean looked at me and nodded. Then he put the CD's he was still holding in his hands onto the shelf and took a seat in Ben's bed. I slowly entered the room and sat on the swivel chair in front of the desk. I sad smile was on my face.  
"What's wrong, Lisa?" Dean asked, worry in his voice.  
"Come with me." I got up, grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the mirror next to Ben's closet.  
Dean looked at me in total confusion, couldn't make sense of it.  
"Look into the mirror."  
He did it. I laid a hand on his cheek.  
"This here. That's how Ben's gonna be like. He'll be just like you, Dean."  
Dean leered at me, didn't turn his face away from the mirror. "What makes you so sure?"  
"That's easy. I live with this boy 24/7 and everything I see is a perfect mirror of Dean Winchester, the man I had a wonderful weekend with in 1999. Just look around. The music, the clothes, the model cars. That's you as a little boy. Or at least what you would've been like without the hunting. You can see it, too, can't you?"  
He let his eyes wander through the room and I could see him swallowing. He could see it, too.  
A barely noticable nod affirmed it.  
"I'm bad influence."  
"What are you talking about? You've been in his life for only three days. What you're seeing here, that's your genes... from which Ben has gotten a lot of." I smiled. "Ben has built up all of this by himself. It's not your fault."  
Dean remained silent.  
"Ben adores you. He is grateful for every minute he can spend with you. And you love him, too, Dean. I can see it in your eyes. The way you talk to him, the way you care about him. This morning I was moved to tears as I watched you two. As if not a single day in Ben's life has passed without you. As if it's like this every morning. Damnit, Dean he even calls you 'dad' without noticing it anymore! And you... you're talking about your _son_. Our son! You can't deny it. You just can't!!"  
I was talking myself into a rage. And that Dean was only shaking his head didn't make it better at all.  
"I didn't intend to, Lisa. I..." Dean averted his gaze. It was a clear sign that something was on his mind he normally would't say out loud. I still wondered where all the candor came from. "I'm just afraid. I don't wanna lose Ben again! Well, in fact he's losing me but... you know what I mean." I nodded. "And still, I didn't hesitate a second when you called. I just got into my car and pulled out. What am I supposed to do? I don't have a choice here. I have to let you go before it's too late."  
Again this intense pain in my chest.  
"When will you go?"  
Dean shrugged.  
"In a few days if you let me stay that long."  
"As long as you want!" I said with tears in my eyes.

* * *

To be continued!! That's just the **first of three parts** so stay tuned!!


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